guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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