I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
