um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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