1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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