Where is the hickey?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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