Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
