Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
