mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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