guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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