I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
