I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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