Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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