So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
