Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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