I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
