Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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