just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
