i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
