I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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