Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i will never coherently bang her
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
