if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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