I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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