Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
