can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
