Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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