I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
