Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
