I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
