i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
