He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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