I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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