mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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