Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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