More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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