ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
