I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
