Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
