I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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