i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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