she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
