How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
