The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
