My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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