for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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