Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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