If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
