i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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