Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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