Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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