Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Swine flu. Run for my life!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
