youre lurking in front of me
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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