I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
