Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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